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Updated: 08:19 p.m. EDT (0019 GMT) -- 20 April 2002

Israel begins Nablus pullout
Ford's new SUV made it's debut yesterday on the streets of Austin TX. amid little fanfare
Ford's New SUV: Destructrus
Ford Motor Companies released it's newest SUV yesterday at the Austin National Auto Show. 

"We tried aiming this one at the fatally obese bowling moms," said Ford Motors president Edward P. Humpentein.  When asked to elaborate he said, "you know, those fat chicks who beat their kids and eat lard cakes!"

One concern that he did express was that Ford only had enough metal to build two.


-Native Indians make land claim in Egypt after discover of beer bottle pyramid
Video: You are what you eat; Richard Simmons eats gay men
Video: Whiskey on ice figure skating championship turns into firestorm
Mideast 101: Basic anatomy of a copopod
TIME.com: Body odor sampler included in this weeks issue

ON CNN TV: U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell joins the elite ranks of those who've "beaten their wives and never been caught"

 ON THE SCENE   
Jerrold Kessel: I went to a Catholic summer camp and caught was this lousy Jesus fish
Martin Savidge: Inside my bowels, on to your chest
 Depressed Highway Kills Self
NORTHEAST U.S. GETS QUAKE-UP CALL
A strip of highway just outside of Merrit took it's own life today with a boulder.  Friends said that it had been drinking more than usual, but other than that everything seemed fine.  He will be buried 2 miles away in the Transportation Cemetery (also known as Denny's). 

 OTHER TOP NEWS
  • Earwax candles smell worse than Satan's ronch
  • Study: Being molested at school worse than in septic tank
  • Rare Beanie Baby found in Louis Anderson's love handles
  • Squirrel family grieves at bed of comatose acorn
  • Pervert buys 50 pack of CD-R's thinking they say "See thee arse"
  • School bus gunned down after eating 50 children
  • Pack rat builds home entirely out of used tampons
  • Fancy sunglasses almost as good as poking out own eyes

    •  WAR AGAINST TERROR  more» 
  • Terrorists stop targeting US banks when they realize they aren't housed in enormous skyscrapers
  • Canadian body with skin and legs blown off: "Hey no hard feelings Bush"
  • Following the tradition of countries defeated by the US, Afghanistan starts production of cheap watches and fast cars
    • CNN/Money  
    • Krispey Kreme stocks plummet after realization of their pornographic name
    • Garbage Man trading cards hot commodity
    • Our plummeting dollar blamed on your personal odor
    • Money made easy: how to blow up planes and collect the falling coins

    		 Your drug habit:
    Marijuana use + 51.90
    Cocaine use - 5.60
    TV viewing hours + 0.70
    How much is your vegetable son worth?

     FOLLOW THE NEWS 
    When you need a distraction while shitting
      Raggedy Anne and Andy boxing match!

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    VIDEO EXTRA INFO SPECIAL REPORTS QUICK VOTE
    * * * * * * *
    Stupid Little White Jeep to replace Jeep YJ for 2003
    image After drinking a bottle of gin, George Lucas wakes to find he slept with Jar Jar Binks.
    image Robert Blake wants to know: Do I look cute when I pout my lips?
    Do you find Tommy Hilfiger's new line of Nazi death camp T-Shirts offensive?

    No, the decaying human skin ads a pleasant odor
    Yes, T-Shirts are how women repress men's manhood
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    MORE FROM CNN.com

    WORLD
    • Ardvark the clown a hit with Ethiopian sausage farmers

    • France dressing bitter and rude on your salad
    • TIME.com: We put the E.co in TIME.com
    U.S.
    • Bush booed off of stage after referring to helicopters as "whirligigs"
    • Queen Latifa declares herself ruler of free world.
    • Steam powered automobile breaks old pollution lows


    FEATURED SECTIONS: SECTION HIGHLIGHTS:
    SCI-TECH
    • China releases "chick" magnet
    • Inspector gadget destroys Star Trek's Data in warp speed shuttle/helicopter hat crash.
    • Ben Johnson's computer is fastest in history; drug tests pending
    POLITICS: Jesse Ventura faces new opponent in 2004: Kool-Aid Man
    LAW: Go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200, have all other players anal rape you
    SPACE: Spaceshuttle Discovery gets new subwoofer and Alpine deck
    HEALTH: New McDonald's burger made of autistic children
    TRAVEL: Taking a flight to New York for donuts still not profitable
    EDUCATION: World's smartest man defends public school system with psychic wrath
    SPORTS: The Russian Rocket destroys city block
    ENTERTAINMENT
    • ObiWanKanobi found dead in Episode VI's trailer park
    • Richard Simmons returns to Cuba to help Castro destroy the lives of thousands
    • Quicktime Demo Movie rakes in $42 at the box office



    SPORTS at CNN Sports Illustrated more » time logo more »
    Top Stories
    • In a feat that defies physics, Tiger woods walks at a 20 degree slant... in pants!
    •Texas Walker banned from all sports in world

    Features
    • NFL: Footballs forced to wear condom during field goal attempts

    • NHL: Pucks replaced with used agar plates in attempt to give all players flesh eating disease

    Scoreboards: You -10 The World Infinity

    		 SportsIllustrated cover
    This will make you enjoy life again
    Cover
    • Study: caged children detest "Robin hood: Men in Tights"

    Web Features
    • Person of the Week: The man who eats your feces
    • Cartoon of the week: Schindler's List

    Photo Essay
    • These pictures are either so funny you'll never be able to stop laughing or so horrendous that you'll kill yourself immediately in horror
    It's better than Prozak (both the band and the drug)

    denotes link takes you to intergalactic wormhole
    © 2002 Justin Kopp

    A Koppertone parody

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