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Updated: 01:00 p.m. EST (1800 GMT) -- 29 March 2002
BREAKING
NEWS		 You were adopted!  Punch your parents in the face and jump out of a car window immediately!!

Arrests at Arafat compound
Isreali Tank Stops to Take a  Shit
Palestinians were outraged this morning when an Israeli tank strolled into a small neighborhood and shit out 10,000 pounds of roaring hot feces. 

Apparently tank Commander Yitseb Votzkel accidentally put beans in the fuel tank instead of the usual buttered bread.  The tank could not hold it's anus shut any longer and is now the laughing stock of Tank Squadron 117. 
 


Gallery: Ten midgets, a donkey and Queen Latifa?  You KNOW what went down!
Arafat: Expanding army with fifth trebuchet
Wounded cameraman defeats Isreal with his "rancid booty flavah!"
Transcript: Richard Simmons mother goes on rant at last PTA meeting; "I don't want to go on a rant here, but damn is my kid gay"

 ON THE SCENE   
Michael Holmes: Ya, but what if it hurt to pee BEFORE the child prostitute...?
John Vause: My life, the living Vaudeville Act

 FOLLOW THE NEWS 
When you die asked to be buried with your Time magazines
 

Remaining crustules on Kimba's ass have gone rotten
 ON CNN TV CNN Program Schedule »
Larry King Live:
You never know what Joan Rivers is going to say and she won't hold back. She might even call me a frigid old crust bucket who she wouldn't jump for $50million after which I will decapitate her writhing haggard sack of a body and spit down her neck.  But you'll have to tune in to find out! (9 p.m. ET)

 VIDEOS FROM THE RAMALLAH BATTLE
 Baby Terrorist's first steps
 345 die when they hear Sting's new albumWatch it
The last 35 minutes of the video were taped over with a Price is Right episode

 OTHER TOP NEWS
  • CNN/Money: Stop spending money on crack; more on housing
  • TWA Passenger arrested after impersonating Osama Bin Laden; hid in cave with diseased kidney
  • Director Steven Spielberg decides that ET is  racist; replaces Eliot with cinderblock
  • Pope vomits in local cemetery; dead rise and eat 12 Mexican immigrants
  • In a show of dignity, Beoing 747 reassembles, appears from the ashes of the WTC site like a rising phoenix, and flies off into the horizon
  • New circus clown can molest you just by staring
  • Trail of sin leads cops to Rosie 'O Donnel
  • Boyfriend jealous of girl feeling up ripe tomato

    •  WAR AGAINST TERROR  more» 
  • Bush decides it might be easier to win war with Iraq this time around after 10 year siege on country
  • Suddan Husein ready for anything; hops on finest donkey
  • "Diseases aren't so bad!" Clostridium botulinum
  • Camp X ray cuts down on shitting down detainee's throats to twice a day
    • CNN/Money You will be killed by:  Click Here
    • Bill Gates tired of being a nerd; goes on road trip and hilarious antics ensue
    • New York residents ask to use bones as currency
    • Baseball strike called off when it's realized no one watches baseball
    • Beat the homeless with your penny rolls

    		 Stench factor:
    Anus unch.
    Armpit + 18.60
    Leprosy + 2.81
    stock quotes:

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    VIDEO EXTRA INFO SPECIAL REPORTS QUICK VOTE
    * * * * * * *
    Ugly girl tries to look sultry but instead causes you to vomit blood
    image After years of hiding, the letters A & R have finally been recovered from the depths of the ocean. 

    "I can finally say RA RA RA at football games again!" - Male Cheerleader

    "AR maytee, tis a good day" -Night Watchman for Arby's
    image Phallic building doesn't make ME feel insecure about my manhood...
    If you had the chance to destroy all of mankind with a crippling virus, would you spit on each and every corpse?

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    MORE FROM CNN.com

    WORLD
    • Afghanistan bombed back into the stone age; later the wood age
    • Easter bunny jealous that Santa gets to use sleigh while he has to hop
    • TIME.com: What's so good about facial cream if I can't put it on my ass?
    U.S.
    • Fugitive decides not to turn self in after realizing in entails anal rape
    • Raggedy Ann gets in car accident; fixed by Patch Adams
    • Ghost Abe Lincoln seen hauntin' the hood; protectin' the righteous


    FEATURED SECTIONS: SECTION HIGHLIGHTS:
    SCI-TECH
    • Robot pimp can't find robot bitches
    • Child's play doll says the circuit made him do it
    • Nerd with graphing calculator tries to find formula to plot own portrait
    POLITICS: Store manikin youngest person to ever run for president
    LAW: Death to all overturned after DNA evidence
    SPACE: New probe hurts.. a LOT
    HEALTH: Pot healthier than TV; TV healthier than deluding one's self
    TRAVEL: College student's mom goes to China; President Jiang Zemin reassembles his "angels"
    EDUCATION: Dozens celebrate albino history month
    SPORTS: Soccer mom mad that she's not getting any; whole team celebrates
    ENTERTAINMENT
    • Gamecube is neither a game nor a cube.  No wait, it's both
    • 'Death to Smoochy' decried best movie in history; Jeffery Dahlmer best heterosexual
    • Beatles decide to stop making music; plan to open Ethiopian Tim Hortons.



    SPORTS at CNN Sports Illustrated more » time logo more »
    Top Stories
    • Bo Jackson has raped all in this millenium; builds time machine to rape more
    • Break dancing halftime show causes intense fits of rage

    Features
    • Baseball: If people with no arms played THEN I might watch
    • Soccer: Cory and Justin's teams fall to shambles after alternating player scheme

    Scoreboards: Me 24 You DEAD
    		 SportsIllustrated cover
    I can think of alternative forms of payment..
    Cover
    • Tall men big sweater jackets: Is this Liam's new style?

    Magazine
    • Hungry Hungry hippoes go on diet

    Web Features
    • Games of killing outdone by games of killing more
    • Take a walk on the Elton John's tattered anus side
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