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Updated: 11:58 a.m. EST (1658 GMT) -- 24 March 2002

Cheney: No plans to meet Arafat
Peace Embraces Middle East as Oscar Night Approaches
On word last night that the Oscars were approaching, all hostilities between Israel and Palestine were promptly swept under the rug. 

"It's hard to forget about the travesties, I know," said Jahosafed Shalom whose sister was killed in a cafe bombing last week, "But I think I speak for all the Middle East when I say we want to see if Lord of the Rings can beat A Beautiful Mind for best picture."

Suicide bombings are planned to resume early Monday morning.


Christian Fundamentalists defend new ad: "Condoms cause herpes"
Tighty whiteys declared best form of birth control
In-Depth: Which grocery stores sell the best Sugar Crisp Cereal?
TIME.com: We have pictures if you're too lazy to actually read
 Video: OJ Simpson trial shown as reruns on Prime 

 ON THE SCENE   
Mike Hanna: Alright, so I shit myself, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Martin Savidge: So there I was, beating this guy to death... oh wait you're not the girl I'm trying to impress
Wolf Blitzer: So Mike tells Martin and I to F*** off.  Well you can guess what happened next..
 Frodo Baggins plans triumphant return to Oscars
Oscars 2002 no foregone conclusion
After being kicked out of the Oscars last year for not starring in a movie, Frodo Baggins returns this year with plans to slay one more heartless monster,  Whoopee Goldberg:

"My plan is to use my ring to turn invisible and then to decapitate Ms. Goldberg while she presents.  Oh it will be almost as surprising as when Bilbo disappeared at his birthday party!"


 OTHER TOP NEWS
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  • Bush makes next stop on world tour: bathroom
  • Woman decides to abort 5 year old child: "It's a little late, but he knew it was gonna come eventually"
  • Despite what others say, Russell Crowe still has a fear deep down inside that he will lose the Oscar for Best Actor to Tom Green.
  • Pope criticized for holding onto old belief that potatoes are the Devil's food
  • Garbage man takes wrong route; must return go back and return everyone's garbage
  • Dr. Scholl dies after egging on the antichrist
  • Church decides to stop molesting children; time to rape the elderly

    •  WAR AGAINST TERROR  more» 
  • Bones at WTC site wish they wore a sweater
  • Weapons lab found in Afghanistan; 6 spears and a rock
  • Young terrorist mails friend cold virus
  • Kids in Afghanistan head back to class; can't shake fact country is completely destroyed
  • Fact Sheet: What is Osama's dress size?
    • CNN/Money Your soul is owned by:  Click Here
    • Bill Gates' house stolen with KaZaa
    • Stocks in hot pants go down... WAY down
    • Diamond tipped dagger sales taper as world leaves Middle Ages
    • US Mint displays new "Magic Tan" uranium quarters

    		 Your STD 4:30pm ET, 3/22
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    FEATURED SECTIONS: SECTION HIGHLIGHTS:
    SCI-TECH
    • New weapons stink or hurt, but don't kill
    • Unionized CD-RW drive asks for time off; owner notes it hasn't done anything for 2 months
    • Smart bomb afraid that it won't go to heaven
    POLITICS: Ghandi's bones say Bush is a disgrace
    LAW: Dave Thomas' body disappears in meat processing facility
    SPACE: Terrorists fly X Wing into Death Star
    HEALTH: Full body tumour dethrones brain tumour as worst tumour
    TRAVEL: So now the food's shitty AND you fly into buildings
    EDUCATION: Grade 3 dropouts complain there are less jobs in the taking cans out of the trash sector.
    SPORTS: Canucks defend honor by butchering those who dare beat them
    ENTERTAINMENT
    • Alf OD's on heroin
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    SPORTS at CNN Sports Illustrated more » time logo more »
    Top Stories
    • Blazers decide to be NHL team; lose 5,300 games in a row
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    Features
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    Cover
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    Web Features
    • Person of the week: The face in my anus
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    Photo Essay
    • My collection of dust from around the glove
    Are you famous? Oh ok.. you still have to pay then
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