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Updated: 03:48 p.m. EST (2048 GMT) -- 17 March 2002

Palestinian terror amid peace efforts
Two men walk the streets while their cars drive on the sidewalks
In a move that shocked the world, US president George W. Bush declared that September 11th would now be known as opposites day world round.  "Planes fly into airports, not buildings.  So I thought, what the hell, why not just make it an opposites day?"  the elated president said.  When asked whether he would endorse terrorists flying planes into buildings on opposites day he consulted his advisors and came back with, "If it's opposite day, then terrorists would want to do the opposite of the opposite."
 
Vatican replaces holy water with BO
An awkward silence in the Mideast: "So... blow up any cafes lately?"
In-Depth: Surgeon General's warning placed on Hellfire missiles.
TIME.com: Your paperboy: is he really a fag?

 ON THE SCENE   
John King: My roids are as big as beanbag chairs, but certainly not as comfy
Martin Savidge: When will I learn, do NOT run over children in school zones

 Camera Pointed at Osama's Window Sees Nothing
Pakistan church attack
Apparently nothing is going on in this empty apartment window.  As it turns out, the camera was pointed at the wrong window.

 OTHER TOP NEWS
  • Hobo sick of being homeless: Steals home
  • Radio shack building ultimate destructor robot: $34.99
  • African Disney World falls into anarchy; Mickey butchered in town square
  • Nike workers demand three more coconuts per month: all killed
  • US cotton farmers demand second civil war
  • CNN/SI: All Toronto Raptors killed in horrible car accident; nobody notices for 2 years
  • Bette Midler Decides to stop caring

  •  WAR AGAINST TERROR  more» 
  • Blinds taught how to find terrorists: smell for curry
  • Sgt. Mike O Flarrity holds record for number of inmates raped at Camp XRay: 127
  • Rocks replace sticks as Afghan currency
  • Al Queda fighters invade selves; still no victories
  • Fact Sheet: Rapper Eminem wants less war and more womanizing

  • CNN/Money sponsored by:  Click Here
    • Short on cash? Buy things with postal stamps
    • Blowing up bank increased likelihood of finding money on street
    • Ford launches the Stove Car; bankruptcy imminent
    • Save money, re roof your house with tinfoil

    Love watch: 4:30pm ET, 3/15
    Genital Size + 90.10
    Heartbeat + 14.16
    Lust + 13.12
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    EDITIONS



    Love/Death
    Enter your zip code to determine your likelihood of falling in love with a woman who will then disembowel you

    VIDEO EXTRA INFO SPECIAL REPORTS QUICK VOTE
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    Old woman's left hand stops right hand from killing reporter.

    image Bored Canadian nerd points out that CNN has used same Russell Crowe picture 3 times in two weeks.
    image Black people learn how to stop killing; ironically begin baking brownies
    Which war hero would you like to see as the next US president?

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    U.S.
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    LAW: Cell phones sued for causing cancer; cigarettes sued for causing phone calls
    SPACE: Asteroid heading to earth, cast of Armageddon burned at stake
    HEALTH: Thalidomide babies wonder if thalidomide would make their children superintelligent mutants
    TRAVEL: Time travel to near future possible with new oak furniture set
    EDUCATION: Child fails placement test after jamming pencil through own urethra
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    SPORTS at CNN Sports Illustrated more » time logo more »
    Top Stories
    • Hockey not so great: Hockey Puck
    • Brett Hull decides to get out of the game and back into action figurettes

    Features
    • Baseball Hall of Fame declares Michael Jordan best player in history
    • Bo Jackson starts canglin after drinking three mocktails

    Scoreboards: 97 lines
    SportsIllustrated cover
    If you buy this you aren't gay
    Cover
    • More gun control needed in army

    Web Features
    • Person of the week: Boykiss
    • Mideast decides to only kill children, maim elderly

    Photo Essay
    • So you like little kids eh?  Wait til you see THIS collection... PRIME




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