Corporal Don Shunlop entered his first battle in the mountains of Afghanistan last night and returned with one thing to say, "God damn I wish I wore diapers."  According to our sources, Don and his troop were getting ready to ambush Osama Bin Laden, when sniper Don got so nervous that he shit his pants.  His parter, Huss Rayner, said, "We almost had Osama, he was right in our sights, and then this old big ass over there had to let one rip.  Not only did the sound give away our location, but strings of black feces flew out of a hole in his pants and squirted me all over the face!  I promptly ate them."  Huss then keeled over into a bonfire due to intense abdominal pains.  The cause for the raging black diarrhea is still unknown, but John Parks, a UCC scientist had an idea: "One word, rhyiarhea!! HAHA"
 

Israeli civilians were the targets of rocket, sniper and suicide bomb attacks, and Israeli helicopter gunships responded with strikes on targets in the Palestinian territories.  In response to these horrible events, Cory Armour ate an entire Cadbury Easter Egg.  "I was going to go as a foreign aid worker, but then the foul chocolate mistress tempted me into its gooey arms."